How To Be Whole In A Relationship

Okay, here we go! This is a mega topic that most people don’t discuss, even more don’t want to hear, but we are going there. One of the major, MAJOR, downfalls in relationships that typically result in a fractured partnership, a dissolving marriage, a toxic situation, or pure resentment is due to relying on another person to make them whole. We see it all the time, a flood of insecurities, complete desperation to have someone “fix” the situations, feeling incomplete on their own, or feeling unworthy unless married… You get it, we’ve either been there, done that, or know someone who has.

Today we are discussing how to be whole in a relationship. Meaning, not needing someone else for validation, to rescue us, feel complete, or depend on for ANYTHING (yes that means financially and I know that really burns to hear). I am also sharing WHY this is so crucial and what happens if we don’t heed this advice. Buckle up, this one is a doozy.

What Being Whole Looks Like

When we think of wholeness we think complete, filled up, can stand independently on their own. That’s exactly what we need to be especially before entering a relationship. This means identifying areas we need to strengthen, such as our confidence, ability to make decisions, security, or finances. Write down areas you feel need improvement and start taking measures to strengthen them. Also, write out your fears in life. They could look like: I’ll always be alone, I am not attractive, I’ll never make enough money. Start combating those as well so you don’t feel the need to have someone else fill those void or solve them for you. I wrote two awesome articles on overcoming both those topics here: power of affirmations and limiting beliefs holding you back.

Not only will you become a stronger, healthier, and whole person, but you will begin to attract healthier and whole people into your life.

How To Be Whole In A Relationship

Maintaining who you are in a relationship is important. The greatest way of doing so is having healthy boundaries and enforcing them. That sounds harsh, but it’s actually an incredibly kind and loving way of being in a relationship. If you’d like for me to write an article about what healthy boundaries look like, let me know in the comments! Otherwise, it’s more or less about being honest, transparent, standing your ground, not afraid to say no, and respectfully guarding your inner peace.

I believe it is important to learn and grow with your partner, that means try new things, step outside of your comfort zone, be adventurous. Those are super healthy qualities! However, if you are changing who you are, your interests, your personality, your friendship groups JUST to be with that person, that’s were the problem comes in. Keeping your own set of hobbies, friends, and career in tack while being in a relationship is important. A healthy relationship will never take away from your true essences, it will add to the experience.

Why It is Important

Simply put, when we feel whole we aren’t dependent on how the other person feels or behaves. We can allow them to be just as they are and feel okay. That leaves room to cultivate more love and growth in both people.

Fractures occur in our wholeness from insecurities, dependence on others, and feeling unworthy. Instead of relying on ourselves to fill us up, we begin to rely on someone else to feel secure. This dependence becomes an unhealthy balance within a relationship. It may go both ways, were two partners feed off of each other for emotional support. This is also known as codependency, which leaves a huge hole for abuse. In essence, by not confronting our personal insecurities and fears, we are subjected to several forms of emotional and possibly physical abuse.

Money is another issue most don’t want to talk about or face. Money is power. Point blank, it just is. It’s a very powerful energy form that can be used for positive experiences such as independence, happiness, security, and comfort. It can also be used as a form of control. I truly believe that every single person needs to have their own source of money. This prevents situations where you may want to leave a relationship but are financially dependent on your partner. NOTHING feels worse than feeling stuck in a situation because of finances. Okay, so what does that mean? It means having your own bank account, saving as much as you can, and having a stream of income.

What if you are a stay at home mom? Talk to your husband and tell him you need your own income. Create a way to be paid for your time being a mom to your children. Being a mom is a full time job, and if you are in a relationship that has mutual respect, there should be a way to be compensated monetarily for your hard work. I would personally ask to be paid, or state we can hire someone else to watch the kids while I continue my career. That way I feel valued for my effort and not stuck in a situation that feels dependent on someone else. But find a solution that works for you and your situation. Ease into it if you need.

What if it is too late? If you are in an abusive relationship and financial control is present, please call the Domestic Hotline. There are ways to start saving money without your partner knowing, such as buying gift cards while grocery shopping, saving up loose change, asking family and friends for help when it feels safe, or buy a prepaid phone to reach out for help.

Question Of The Day

How do you set boundaries within your relationships?


  1. This is a difficult lesson to learn if you’ve always been with someone and never had to do it on your own. But it’s such an important one. In later years, so many lose a partner they’ve been with for over half their lives and because they’ve lost half of themselves, they just give up when they really have so much left to live for. I’ve seen women who’ve lost a spouse and have no idea how to handle finances. My Mom hated to check the mail after Dad died because there might be a bill she’d have to deal with. It’ so true that, even if you are financially dependent on a spouse, you need to have your own finances to manage. Thanks so much for this very important post!


  2. Growing older I realized that I needed to be whole on my own to truly be able to commit to a relationship, and I think that is the key to my pretty happy marriage.
    Being financially independent has always been very important to me, so that never was an issue, and the rest just came with time.

    Anne|Linda, Libra, Loca

  3. Some really good points here! Love reading this – I definitely think that we should learn to love ourselves before getting into a relationship. This is not to say that we cannot love and shouldn’t be getting into any relationship, but rather to cultivate a healthy relationship we should learn about ourselves first and like you said build our confidence, ability to make decisions, etc. It’s taken a long time to realise that I don’t need to be one half of a whole, but rather be my whole self and allow my partner to love me wholly as well!

    Thanks for posting this 🙂 Happy Valentine’s Day! x

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