I often don’t share hardships I deal with daily. Mainly to avoid giving it more attention or power than it needs. I live by the popular phrase “don’t give life to it”. But today I am shedding light on ways I have learned to roll with the punches when facing obstacles.
There are two times during the year that I jump for joy, and it is called New York Fashion Week. I live for the shows. The energy, the creativity, seeing all my coworkers and peers gather for the incredible events. There is nothing like it. I am always impressed by what the designers come up with and the immaculate ways they display their designs. For the full schedule take a look here.
This is going to be one of the more controversial articles I will write, but I find it important to start a conversation around it. Why? Because on a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide¹.
There is a difference between being loved and being abused. Yet the ways of being emotionally abused in a relationship can be incredibly discrete.
I have watched as many loved ones excuse behaviors on the basis of “oh he really loves me”. I have even done that! I have accepted really crappy behavior from previous partners because “he loves me”. Or I longed to feel loved, even if it is just crumbs. But this is not okay! First off, no one deserves to be hurt. Secondly, whether we realize it or not, there is a long lasting effect from being in these abusive relationships. It crushes our self-worth in the long run. Each time we accept unacceptable behavior, we are saying, “oh I deserve that treatment, I am not worth being respected.”
What Emotional Abuse Looks Like
Happy Monday everyone. Last week I talked about change and the ways that helped me move through transitions or tough times. I was amazed how many people really responded to that topic and thought that this week I would share about perspective. It is amazing how the world changes once we change how we see it.
Here is how I see life. An excerpt from my personal journal:
First, I want to thank all the lovely comments and support while I have been away! I apologize it has been pretty quiet on the blog front last week. While some may know, I have been going through a lot of changes and it finally all hit last week. Since I begrudgingly admit I am human and the very normal feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, and anger began to creep in- I decided to step away and take care of myself while finding my footing again.
While I just moved (which is a big milestone in itself) I also have been going through some massive personal changes. I won’t dive into it because I don’t want to hurt anyone else involved, but it really reminded me of what I would do when I faced these momentous points in life.
While today isn’t a fashion post, hang in there, I will have those soon enough. Instead, I want to share certain really HEALTHY steps I choose to combat the human feelings of fear, anxiety or feeling overwhelmed. While feeling feelings are crucial, constantly living in fear or sadness is not. This is what I found works for me.
A few weeks ago, I attended the Power Your Happy panel hosted by Lisa Sugar from Popsugar. The evening corresponded with the launch of Lisa Sugar’s new book “Power Your Happy” and was filled with incredible speakers who have successfully turned what they loved into a career. The panelists were Deborah Lloyd who is Kate Spade’s Chief Creative Director, Chef Chloe Coscarelli of by CHLOE, and Jessie Randall the Creative Director and Cofounder of Loeffler Randall. See what each inspirational woman had to say below!
Lisa Sugar – founder of Popsugar
- “Do what you love”
- After a lot of crappy jobs in my 20s and not liking what I was doing everyday, I started “doing what I love”. My husbands motto of “just do it” played in my head. I began writing and making a routine. I learned from the audience what they liked and modified the content.
- I have a series of people I look to for inspiration, such as Beyonce. Though I don’t know her personally, I use her quotes to help direct my own thinking and choices.
- As for Balance? Screw balance. It is great in theory, but there is no such thing as balance when you are doing what you love and working for yourself.
Deborah Lloyd – Kate Spade’s Chief Creative Director
- I was head of Burberry of women’s wear and Banana Republic then Kate Spade. I kept moving into new opportunities and experiences.
- Be surrounded by a team of people who are better than you and better at the things you hate to do.
- A smile will get you a lot further than you think.
- The hardest experiences are when you learn the most and inquire more drive.
Chloe Coscarelli – by CHLOE
- Attitude is everything. Not success is everything; not money is everything. It is how you see things that make a huge difference.
- I moved home for three years and not sure what I was doing. That time was so necessary. I was able to listen to myself and figure out what I wanted to do.
- My advice is don’t seek validation from others. Who cares what other’s think when you tell them what you do for a living or if you are in the place of figuring your life out. Do what you really love.
- Think about what you would want as a consumer- that will cultivate more genuine products.
Jessie Randall – Creative Director and Cofounder of Loeffler Randall
- I struggled with the confidence of saying I am a designer at first. It was something I had to get over.
- Someone asked me at the beginning stages of starting my own business, “If you failed- would it still be a positive experience if you tried to be a designer?” – it helped me take the big risk.
- Let go of things- delegate, ask for help, you don’t have to do everything yourself.
- Find a partner that will help you. They should be the ying to your yang.
- When you can’t stop thinking about it, pursue it.
- Think about what makes you different from what is already out there.
Yesterday I recently visited the set of AOL Build, where the mega online hub hosts daily interviews with big named celebrities. I sat in on an interview with folk-country singer Jewel. If you grew up in the ’90s like I did, you’d remember jammin’ to her songs on the radio along with Savage Garden.
What I did not remember was how much Jewel had overcome at such a young age. She grew up in an abusive household, ran away at 15, became homeless at 16 and started stealing to make it through. She then started singing and songwriting which led her to become an American sensation.
But how did Jewel turn her life around?
I recently wrote an article for a friend about following your dreams. Pursuing your passions. The moment I sat down and began typing words of inspirations I had acquired through the years, I was flooded with feelings. For me writing is the process of taking a moment to pause, think, reflect and compose a letter to my closest friends (you). When constructing the piece on following dreams, I was reminded of what life is about. At least how I see it, and what I believe it is. I live by two pillars.
“Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.” ~Robin Sharma
For most of us, change can be scary. Shifting from one point to another is frustrating. We may try and avoid both. But in reality, there is no running from change. Trust me I have done my best.
In the realization that change and transition are a part of life, such beauty comes from it. I have had moments of change and transition and thought nothing of it. I didn’t think I had an issue with either or really thought about them until recently.
Whether it is a change in a job or a transition in a friendship and/or romantic relationship, I have experienced it all within the last year. In this change and transition, I kept feeling uneasy, even when the change was for the good. So I ask myself, why is this?
I came to the conclusion that stepping out of any type of comfort zone is scary. Change and transition, good or bad, is tough! I had many moments of breaking down crying, anxiety attacks or even going into hibernation. I know I will probably have hard moments like these in the future, but also know that dealing with change and transition will get easier. And in the end, it is freeing. Getting to that next place in life brings a new type of happiness.
So, how did I deal with change?
I try to surround myself with family and friends. Support is key in growing. I also set aside time for myself because it helps centers me. That quiet time allows me to reflect, breathe, and listen to my instincts. Within the recent years and months, two things that truly have changed my life and helped me get through change: blogging and being honest with the struggles.
Remember change and transition are scary, but they always seem to get me to the next step. I know I will get through it just like you all will too.
Here is to the next step in the journey !
How do you all get through the change and in your life? Look forward to hearing about all of your journeys.
~Kerry of KLM Fashion Style ( www.klmfashionstyle.com)